IF YOU SPOKE TO YOUR FRIENDS THE WAY YOU SPEAK TO YOURSELF, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
Most of the leaders I work with hold themselves to a very high standard. That’s usually a good thing. But there’s a version of high standards that curdles into something else entirely, and it tends to live in the private commentary running inside your head.
You’re too quick to beat yourself up when you fall short, and too slow to acknowledge yourself when you succeed. The presentation went well for fifty-eight minutes, and you’ve spent three days thinking about the two minutes that didn’t. Nobody else remembers it. You can’t stop replaying it.
Imagine speaking to a friend or a team member the way you speak to yourself after a difficult day. You wouldn’t do it. You’d consider it cruel, and probably counterproductive. Yet somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that this internal harshness is the engine of our performance, rather than a tax on it.
It isn’t. Self-criticism doesn’t make you sharper; it makes you smaller. It narrows your field of vision, encourages you to play safe, and slowly erodes the confidence you need to take the risks that actually move you forward.
This is not an argument for lowering your standards. Ideally, you will have higher standards for yourself than anyone else has for you. But hold those standards the way a good coach would; with clarity about the gap, and warmth towards the person closing it.
Talk to yourself with the same care you would offer to someone you love.
Whenever you fall short of a goal or self-imposed standard, be quick to forgive yourself. Know that you’re doing the best you can with what you know. This, in turn, becomes the impetus for you to grow, to learn and to try to know more.
INSPIRATION FROM OTHERS
““Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” – Brené Brown
“Be careful how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening.” – Lisa M. Hayes
QUESTIONS TO REFLECT ON
- What is the tone of the commentary running in your head on a difficult day?
- What have you achieved recently that you moved past without acknowledging?
- How would you speak to a team member in your exact situation right now?
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