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There are two grand theories of how to influence others to change – you either focus on their beliefs, or you focus on their behavior. The great temptation for all of us is to try and change others’ beliefs, “If only they could see what I see, then all would be well.” This approach has the added benefit of stroking your ego; “They now see what I see.” As a result, we often stick with this approach, even when others resist it.

Shifting a belief is a fast way to influence another person toward positive change, but it’s not always possible. A commonly used metaphor for this dilemma is an iceberg. When we observe behavior in another person, what we are seeing is like the 10% of an iceberg that sits above the waterline. What we don’t see is the other 90% that is driving their behavior; including their beliefs, values, prejudices, biases, hopes, fears and emotions. As a consequence, your challenging of their beliefs can often just encourage them to become more rigid in their position.

I’ve come to understand that when you can’t easily change another’s belief, the best tactic is to simply and quietly help them to adopt a new behavior. Rather than go beneath the waterline, stay above the surface and help them to make very small behavior changes that do not directly confront their beliefs.

INSPIRATION FROM OTHERS

“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.” – Robertson Davies

“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no proof is possible.” – Stuart Chase

QUESTIONS TO REFLECT ON

• Have you experienced defensiveness when trying to change someone’s belief?
• What is the specific behavior that you want to help this person change?
• What is the smallest possible step you could help them to take in that direction, without directly confronting their beliefs?
  

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