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There are numerous feedback techniques and managers often fixate on them; from ‘start, stop, continue’, to ‘feedforward’, to the dreaded and dreadful ‘feedback sandwich’, among others. It’s natural to focus on techniques — they give us an apparent safe haven in a tricky situation. But take it from someone whose livelihood depends on giving effective feedback: techniques are not as important as you may think. Your intentions and motive matter a whole lot more.

When you prepare to give another person feedback, do you start with their emotions or your messages? If you’re like most managers, you focus almost exclusively on the latter — you think about what you want to tell them. Of course, getting your messages clear is very important, but those messages will land a whole lot better if you first think about how you want the receiver to feel at the end. Not just in the room, in that moment — but an hour later, a day later. Do you want them to feel motivated or deflated? Curious or defensive? Trusted or managed? That intended emotion should shape everything: your timing, your setting, your words, and your tone.

Self-interest is a feedback killer. No matter how good your technique, you will almost certainly fail if you are singularly focused on your outcomes, your needs and your point of view. On the flip-side, you can get away with clumsy delivery if the receiver believes that you are providing feedback in their best interests. This is why the best feedback conversations often don’t feel like feedback at all — they feel like a genuine conversation between two people who both want a good outcome. That only happens when your motive is pure.

The honest question to ask yourself before any feedback conversation is: who is this really for? If the answer is primarily about relieving your own discomfort, ticking a performance management box, or winning an argument — stop. Reset your motive first. The technique will typically take care of itself.

INSPIRATION FROM OTHERS

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” — John C. Maxwell

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw

QUESTIONS TO REFLECT ON

• Are you giving this feedback in their best interests — or yours?
• How do you want the receiver to feel an hour after the conversation — and what would need to be true for that to happen?
• What would you need to say and do to create that emotion in the receiver?
  

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